Worth It

As I neared getting married, I could not help but look back on my relationship with God, especially how it related to relationships with men. My purpose in wanting a relationship, for most of my life, was not to glorify God or find my person. I was under the impression I needed a man to “make it” as a Christian, to be happy, and noticed by others. The idea of dating someone was attached to my identity. It was also attached to jealousy of wanting something others had before me.

As a high school kid, I was in both my sisters weddings, 17 months apart. I was only 16 when the second wedding happened. I was ecstatic for both my sisters, but there was a place in my heart that felt I needed what they had to be happy. There were other factors that played into why I felt this way, but it was my responsibility to find my identity in God and be content with the present. Instead, I wanted a relationship so bad and if I was not in one I was searching for who could be that boyfriend.

It was not until a relationship in sophomore year of college that I realized, I was not seeking a relationship but an IDENTITY. I was searching for something to heal the hole inside me from the depression and anxiety I battled daily and still do. All decisions I made were to make him happy instead of to glorify God. I was seeking a relationship with a man to fulfill me instead of seeking to strengthen a relationship with God, my Father in heaven, the one who created me with a purpose, and has a plan for my life.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” -Ephesians 2:10

You see, my lack of pursuit for a stronger relationship with God put me in a vulnerable spot where I may attract someone to date but not someone who loved God or pursued Him before me. It set me up to let my life be run by anxiety and depression. I would not be able to put God before the men I dated, but the men would become my god. They would become how I coped with my anxiety and depression instead of letting God do that. I would then make decisions reflecting my lack of centering my relationships on God’s definition of a godly relationship. This held true with the first few relationships I had.

BUT GOD, after the relationship I had sophomore year of college, broke me. He broke me to reshape me into something more like Him, someone pursuing His definition of a godly relationship, and His definition of my identity. He allowed that heartbreak to get me back on track pursuing a stronger relationship with God daily and through those I spent my time with. He CHANGED the trajectory of my life even though I thought I would find happiness my way. I was freed from the world’s view of success and able to find contentment wherever God had me.

If God never broke me, I never would have changed the qualities I searched for in a man. I never would have started to date men who were pursuing God before me and NEVER would have dated my husband.

“This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: ‘Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.’ So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.” - Jeremiah 18:1-4

It took me till I was 19 (almost 20) to realize I was pursuing happiness through men or friendships. My identity had been found in my social status and relationship status. Praise God I was freed from that trap many fall into! My hope is that me telling my story may save someone else from the endless cycle of trying to find happiness in other people. True happiness and contentment can only come from a relationship with God that fuels and guides the rest of your life!

I found that happiness in God in 2017. I never felt so purposed, alive, loved, and beautiful. All because God loved me enough to let me break. I was resistant against my potter. He wanted me to trust Him and wait patiently for what He had planned for me. I was marred so he reshaped me and continues to do so.

We are God’s work of art. He created us, we sinned against Him, and like a potter with clay, He daily molds us into His likeness, smoothing out our impurities. When we surrender to Him, we will find ourselves constantly looking back at how much growth He has produced in us.

To those still searching for their person, I advise you to remember this: Two imperfect people pursuing a relationship? 100% bound for disaster but when you pursue God first your identity is clear, the wait is worth it, and your happiness can not be shaken.

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” -Psalm 62:1