Denied Ambitions

From a very young age, the word “no” is not a favorite word for any of us. The idea that someone would withhold from us something that we want or think that we need kills us because we think we know best. Though you hopefully no longer cry at the hearing of “no” as you may have at a few months old, the chances are your least favorite answer is still “no”. Your prayers to God should never include only requests; but when we pray for anything, we tend to act just like that 8-month-old that is told “no” to playing with knives, sticking his finger into an outlet, or climbing something that would hurt him if he fell. We wine or complain, want to climb it again, attempt the outlet again, or reach again for the knife. In our spiritual walk, we are the 8-month-old and God is the Father constantly leading and steering us away from danger or less then what is in our best interest towards something greater, better, and safer.

When we pray for something part of faith is putting it ALL in the hands of our Father and not telling Him how to answer it. To pray for something and assume that our way is the best way is saying that we know better than God. Let me ask you this, if you know better than God, why do you pray to Him in the first place? When you call out to God to provide anything, we must not judge how God chooses to answer that prayer. It is not easy at all. Getting a no, especially when we have our heart set on it and believe it is our next right step to becoming the man or woman that God wants us to be, is hard.

As I study Counseling at Clarks Summit University, I have discovered my love for youth ministry. My heart yearns to help teens as they go through all the changes of life and especially the transition into adulthood. I want to push teens to go beyond what they think is possible of themselves and take every opportunity that they have starting from a young age. Looking forward to this ministry, I am taking the opportunities I have now to prepare myself to be the best fit High School Guidance Counselor that I can be to the future teens God plans to put in my path. I decided to apply to various programs specializing in High School students. I was getting so excited; because, I wanted this position so badly and saw this as a great opportunity to grow and prepare for my ministry.

So, when I got the response back that my application was declined, I was shocked. I mean I listened to God. How could God let me get rejected from an application if it is directly related to the type of ministry He has called me to? He led me to apply for this ministry along with a few others for the summer and next school year; but, the first one I hear back from is a decline? I honestly said “God this makes no sense, you are calling me to youth ministry and here I am pursuing getting experience but the first one gets declined? How am I not fit for this High School directed ministry? You did create me for the ministry, right?” My initial reaction was not the most godly.

I wish I could say to you that I reacted joyous or faithful truly believing God had better plans; but, it took me some processing time to truly say “God, I do not know what you are doing. It is nothing like I thought the answer would be. It is not the answer I wanted it to be; but I have to believe that this is what is best for me. You know best and though I may not see how this is best for me, please give me peace in this door you closed for me.” You see, there are so many amazing truths that come from me getting declined. For one, when I become a Guidance Counselor, my students are going to face various forms of rejection with jobs, colleges, or maybe even from a love interest. May sound small, but this is an area where I see God already using the rejection to prepare me for something greater, better, and safer for my future. The opportunity I was declined was not the only way to prepare myself for my future career and God knows that. He knows the exact opportunities He will send my way to prepare me for what He has for me. He know the ones that will become closed doors no matter how perfect I think the opportunity is for me.

Another thing God is teaching me through this is TRUST. If you have read any of my past posts, you will know that trust has been a theme for me since this past summer when I hit rock bottom. I have been praying for trust daily for almost a year and God has answered in ways I did not desire. However, He answered in ways I needed. I prayed for patience as well. So, yes, I prayed for two very dangerous things, but it is no doubt the best thing I have done over the past year. I do not know what God will decide to let me be apart of as far as the ministries I applied for over the next year, but I know that when He says ‘no’ it is for a reason. I know that the “no” means He has something bigger, better, and has even more potential to grow me than the ministry I was declined from participating in.

As I have daily been learning trust and patience, I have learned that sometimes the most loving thing God can do is say “no”. It is closing a door to something I have no business being a part of. It is saying that what I am asking for is not going to help me be a better me or that it will only cause greater harm to me. I have learned that the word “no” is not God withholding anything good from me. We think “no” is withholding us from our greatest potential, desires, or dreams; but, God saying “no” will get you to where you need to be faster, better, and stronger than you would have ever gotten by Him saying “yes”.

I had to learn that last part one very hard way and it has to do with me hitting rock bottom. God closed doors for me this past summer that I never dreamed were meant to be closed; but, one was a door God closed 8 months prior and I forced open. I heard Him say no; but, I forced the door open. He let me force it open. He allowed me to go down a path of "playing with knives", "sticking my finger into outlets", and "climbing dangerous things that would eventually cause me to fall and harm myself". God did what many father's do. He saw me reaching out to put my finger in the outlet and said "no". He continued to say "no" until He decided I would only learn my lesson to trust Him through allowing me to make the unsafe, bad, and stupid decision of sticking my finger into the outlet.

For eight long months, I continued pursuing the wrong path. It was not until August that I decided I could not do this anymore and came crashing to my knees crying out to God like I never had before for trust in Him. This time when He said "no" to keeping the door open, I said "Thy Will Be Done". I gave up my ability to make my own decisions. I gave up what I thought I wanted. I gave up the desire of what was unhealthy, toxic, and abusive in my life and realized what pain I allowed to overwhelm my life and tear me up inside by not listening to God when He first said "no". God was patient with me so I would now trust Him. God was loving and forgiving of my mistakes and has showed me the beauty in accepting the "no"s with Joy and Faith.

*If you have the chance, go to my previous post Trust Fall and there you will see further how God used closed doors powerfully as He shapes me into His artwork and more like Christ.