Trust Fall

Six months ago the biggest change in my life, other then when I accepted Christ as my Savior, took place. At this time I had no idea what would come of this change, but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Backtrack to 9 months ago, I was approaching a three month long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 6 months. I prayed to God that He would grow me that summer in ways I could not even imagine! I prayed to learn trust in my God in ways that would blow me away! Though it sounds quite humble to be praying such a prayer, I had no idea the depth or craziness of the prayer I had prayed; but, I believe God put it on my heart to prepare me for the most psychological, relational, emotional, and mentally draining three months of my life.

Going into the summer, I was prepared to work at my current job about 20 hours a week and nanny three boys of a family friend 30 hours a week. I had everything planned out so that I would make enough money to pay for college my Junior year and even save some, I was set. Financially, I had more than enough. I was dating a man I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. Relationally, I had the feeling of success. I was taking two summer classes to catch up with my switched major from the Spring. Academically, I was rising above what others thought I could accomplish on top of a more than full time work week. How could this end up being such a rough summer you might ask?

The day before I was set to start as a nanny, I got a text from the boys' mom saying her husband had been laid off meaning they no longer needed me. This was after a miscommunication about the week I would start. So in my mind, I had already lost a week of pay from this job and would not have the job to fall on at all. Of course, my reactions could not have felt more bad for the family who had just lost out on a job. I decided to tell them I was praying for them and that I knew God would provide. Did I believe that 100%? No. As the due date of the bill for my summer classes approached, with less than $200 in my savings account, I knew I would not be able to get even close to the amount I needed. I decided to drop one of my classes. Talk about feeling like I was failing goals.

In light of my loss of potential income, I started working with my dad. It had been 3 years since I worked for him and I was not the most proud of having to do it as I thought I left my log lifting, brush dragging, wood chucking, stacking, and anything to do with tree cutting behind. I also contacted my boss at my original job about more hours. While I tried to scrape my way to more hours at work, the man I saw myself marrying, well let's just say it is complicated. What started out as doubts on his end of this relationship working out, turned to a summer filled with mixed signals being sent. One day he loved me and the next he would not talk to me. He had doubts, but I have none about his behavior being described perfectly as "playing around with my emotions". Bottom line, I was a soon to be Junior college student, struggling to find work, taking a step back academically, and my so called "dream" guy was not the person I thought he was.

Lastly, I was in a very toxic situation at home with an individual. I had hidden my fears of this person for years and now had to approach my parents about it. I had to tell them all that I had endured from this individual throughout my childhood. I am not a crier, but explaining to my dad the past made me shake and cry harder than I ever have. My parents hands were tied. There was only so much they could do and what they were doing could not change the heart of the individual. After all the symptoms of PTSD swarmed into my life, I had addressed the idea of moving in with a friend for my sanity. I was offered a place in five friend's homes just to be given the space I needed from this individual; however, I wanted as much time with the rest of my family as possible. I was too afraid of family relationships not being able to stay strong in the midst of the family crisis unraveling before my eyes had I lived elsewhere. I loved my family and did not want to miss out on time with them due to one person. I could see Satan attempting to tear my family apart piece by piece. On top of my finances being tighter than ever before, the fear and anxiety of home life escalated, and so did the issues between me and my boyfriend escalate which eventually led to a break up.

Moving forward from the chaos, I was barely able to function my everyday life. Every little thing threw me over the edge. I began having severe chest pains daily. I would have times of feeling like someone was sitting on my chest and I could barely breathe other than very heavy and deep breaths. I got an asthma test done, chest x-rays, an EKG, blood tests, and even a stress test, but nothing was showing up as a physical issue. It was no new thing to have anxiety a part of my life, but the severity of the life traumas were showing me just how bad a state my anxiety had been. It was clear that the chaos brought out the issue I had neglected dealing with for years.

Problem was, not only did I have an issue of anxiety that needed to be addressed medically in light of my PTSD, I had yet to give every one of these situations to God. I claimed to trust Him and I claimed I wanted to learn trust in Him; but, when He gave me the means to learn that trust, I crumbled into a million pieces. I became high strung, constantly anxious, exhausted in every way, and like a broken mirror that can never be fixed. God did not leave my life shattered at the rock bottom I hit. Not one moment of the trials that the summer brought did He ever leave my side. He was ready to give me the strength spoken of in Isaiah 40:31 and give me shelter in the shadow of His wings.

Though these six months I have described this part of my life as rock bottom, I would rather say God pulled me down off my high horse of being in control of everything, or at least thinking such, and He humbled me on the firm rock of my salvation in Him. He showed me I had to give up the control I was trying to have in my life and trust Him with every bit of it. The day my ex broke up with me, though rock bottom was hit that day, was the best day of my life. The overwhelming breakdown I endured by God's grace and provision brought an undeniable change in my life. I will never be the same because in that moment God brought me to a place where I had no where to look but up. I had no where to run but into His arms. My identity was found again in being His child.

The job I did not fully trust Him to provide came between an upped from 20 hours to 30 hours a week at my job, along with a 15-20 hours a week with my dad. The relationship I thought was a success, was just a part of God's plan of showing me what to be careful of in future relationships, that this relationship was not worth the extra stress it caused in my life, and finally that the relationship was holding me back both spiritually and my future. Financially, God provided exactly what I needed and no more which showed me to trust He will provide even when times look bleak. Relationally, God closed a door that should have never been forced opened. He gave me grace in helping me since then heal fully from the wounds and scars left of the relationship. He did not leave my broken heart unmended or unused for His glory. He used my mistakes to draw myself ever so close to Him. Finally, academically God provided enough finances for the class I needed to take and not enough for the extra class that would have only caused more stress that I already was struggling to handle.

God used a summer of depression, anxiety, and disappointments for many things and the most important was to show me the need to be in His word every day. Before that, I struggled to go a week straight with devotions daily. Each time I tried, I would maybe last a few days or a few weeks and give up or just plain forget. I am now able to say I have not missed a devotion since the end of June. It is normal and OK to doubt God, but do not make the same mistake I did and turn to disbelief in His miraculous works! The loss of original job opportunities,relationship, crazy home life, and academic craziness was all a part of God answering my prayer! Not only did He answer, but through the trials He chose to let me go through, He made the day my life came crashing down the best day of my life!

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

If you pray for trust, remember this: God will answer your prayer! He will answer it in ways far different and better then you ever thought! He will challenge your faith and take you on a journey you will never forget. Do not be afraid to pray for trust. I can not promise it will be an easy lesson, because it will not be; however, it is one of the best ways you can pray for God to grow you. I dare you to pray for trust! Are you up for the challenge?