Inescapable

Ever feel as if you can not escape something? Like it follows you wherever you go. It is there in the back of your mind taunting you as you go about your daily routine. Every part of your life is affected by this thing. This annoyance, whether something or someone. It could be guilt, regret, sorrow, confusion, or any emotion at all. It gets a hold of you in ways you never thought possible. You go about the day convincing yourself it has no more affects on your life, just to find that it indeed has transformed your life into a fear of this thing coming back to hurt you far worse than it ever did before.

Many of us have something in the back of our heads or at the bottom of our hearts that we have suppressed and “forgotten”. We no longer let our minds “go there” in fear of past struggles to deal with whatever IT is. So, we ignore the wound as we have gotten used to covering it with various things. We ignore the infection that is there in our mind and heart. We let the wound stay just what it is, a wound, instead of opening it up, scraping the dirt out, pouring alcohol over it, and letting it heal at its own pace, trusting that the process is needed to feel that healing again.

As an athlete, I have had my share of injuries that required extra attention. In the busy schedule of practice with the team, on my own, work, and the every day responsibilities of college life, it is never convenient to tend to my injuries by going to the athletic trainer here on campus. It takes extra time to go through rehab no matter the injury; but, as I exercise the area that is injured, I can feel myself being capable of more in the practice that follows. I find myself being able to do more with less pain, having to pull myself out less, and being able to keep up with my team much better. It is the same thing in life. As we tend to the wound that is holding us back, we will begin to feel stronger in that area. It may start out bad and rough. It will get much worse before it gets better; however, perseverance will ensure eventual signs of growth and higher ability in life. Nothing is without purpose. To hide your wound is to cheat others from learning from your mistakes or from their faith growing because of what growth they can see in you. There is a beauty in being vulnerable.

James 1:2-4 (ESV)

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

The fear of the process keeps us from ever finding out the use of that area of our lives with a healed wound. That wound is not there to fester the rest of your life, it is there to be healed by God’s everlasting love and overflowing grace. It is there to build your story and fulfill the purpose God has for you. This is all to bring you to your fullest strength through the power of Him who created you, loves you, and defeated death for you! Let that thing that is holding you back be put out into the light of Jesus Christ. Let the truth of God’s grace and perfect plan overwhelm your soul. Refuse to let Satan deter you from owning your past. Whatever wound you have that you have ignored has an opportunity to be used for great things, but only if you let it.

You can hide the hurt or guilt of your past or you can embrace what God has allowed you to face and go through. You can own your mistakes knowing God has forgiven you and so you can forgive yourself as well or you can cower in the disgust and guilt of those decisions. You can let the one who hurt you win by staying quiet about what they did or said to you; or, you can be bold, speak out, and let God give you peace and healing.

Part of healing from your past is seeing a purpose in whatever you faced. There is true beauty in seeing how your past, even the heartaches and trials, have brought you to be prepared for your life today good or bad. There are dangerous affects of letting your wound remain unhealed. You see, your trials were not just to grow you but very well could be meant to encourage others to persevere. Maybe it is the fact that you saw God get you through that encourages someone to have faith in God's capability. Maybe it is seeing that there is hope to feel healed and free from the pain and guilt life can bring.

Think about it. What would happen if no one spoke up about sexual assault? Yes, I went to an extreme, but I am being real. What would happen? Those who experience those awful actions would feel alone and misunderstood. There is an understanding of sexual assault that is only truly comprehended by those who have been victimized in such a way. There is power in a victim knowing that someone else has gone through similar and is feeling similar struggles or insecurities. What about pornography? Yes, I went to this extreme as well. Pornography is something that affects loads of people including Christians. These Christians who believe it is wrong struggle through the fight of the addiction. Even if they overcome the temptation, many do not openly use it as a way to show others that it happens, temptation is hard, but it CAN be overcome. Instead, many are beat up by their guilt instead of owning the forgiveness they have in Christ which frees them from guilt. Do you think Satan likes it when we refuse to admit our past struggles? Or even the present ones?

When we refuse to acknowledge that we have struggled past or present with things whether pornography, gluttony, materialism, recovering from sexual assault, depression, anxiety, and the list goes on and on of struggles whether a sin you committed, wrong done to you, or a mental struggle. Satan LOVES it when I decide to neglect the horrors of my past. When I decided for years to not talk to anyone about things that had been done to me or said to me, Satan was happy; because, Satan knew I was forcing myself to be alone in my trauma and controlled by depression, paranoia, and anxiety. I allowed it to penetrate my relationships instead of letting it into the light of God’s overwhelming grace and everlasting love. I put up walls miles wide filled with defensiveness when it was not necessary, barely ever trusting anyone, isolating myself, etc.

When I finally decided to start sharing my past, including mistakes I have made and things done to me, I have been able to see God beautifully use it as He speaks to me about what He has for me in my future. I have seen how those things people said or did to me produced an understanding of the hearts of the abused I would never have understood otherwise. The mistakes I made, as awful and disgusted as they made me with myself, grew me to learn how to accept grace when I least deserved it. I learned to forgive myself because God has already forgiven me. I learned that I have no reason to live in guilt of my past decisions. Ultimately, I learned about the freeing power of God’s love as I have healed from things people have done and said to me no matter how horrifying the actions were.

I can not promise an amount of time it will take for the wound to heal; but, what I can promise is that ignoring it will not diminish the affect it has on your life, your career, or your relationships. Be courageous! God will strengthen and comfort you if only you let Him tend to your wound(s) and nurse your soul to a health better than you could ever achieve on your own.

Isaiah 41:10 (ESV)

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I am still learning so much after opening up about the lifelong testimony God has given me and the journey He has taken me on. I have no clue what God may allow me to go through in the future; but, I can say this that I am not afraid of the past I have. There are things I am not proud of, things I have endured that disgust me, and have overall scarred me; but, MY GOD is bigger than anything in my past, present, and my future. I have seen Him use the horrors of my past in crazy ways that blow my mind. I have seen Him use what man has meant for evil used for good of those around me. I may have scars; but, they are just marks of God's healing hands on my life. They are pieces of God all over the places sin has damaged me, but Jesus' blood covered. They are pieces of God all over the places others have tampered with, manipulated, abused, used, mistreated, bullied, made fun of, etc. yet God's love healed or is healing. My scars show the beautiful compassion of God, MY GOD. My scars are beautiful and so are yours.