Nowhere But Up

Earlier on this year, I started sharing a lot about my story through various blog posts. One that I am most proud of is one called “Trust Fall” which told the story of when my life hit rock bottom, on July 31st, 2018. It was around this time that my doctor was 100% sure taking sertraline for my anxiety and depression was a necessity for my mental health and overall well-being. So for the sake of fluidity, lets flashback to that post and let you all in on my rock bottom.

"I was in a very toxic situation at home with an individual. I had hidden my fears of this person for years and now had to approach my parents about it. I had to tell them all that I had endured from this individual throughout my childhood. I am not a crier, but explaining to my dad the past made me shake and cry harder than I ever have. My parents hands were tied. There was only so much they could do and what they were doing could not change the heart of the individual. After all the symptoms of PTSD swarmed into my life, I had addressed the idea of moving in with a friend for my sanity. I was offered a place in five friend's homes just to be clear of interacting with this individual; however, I wanted as much time with the rest of my family as possible. I was too afraid of family relationships not being able to stay strong in the midst of the family crisis unraveling before my eyes had I lived elsewhere. I could see Satan attempting to tear my family apart piece by piece. On top of my finances being tighter than ever before, the fear and anxiety of home life escalated, and so did the issues between me and my boyfriend escalate which eventually led to a break up.

Moving forward from the chaos, I was barely able to function my everyday life. Every little thing threw me over the edge. I began having severe chest pains daily. I would have times of feeling like someone was sit on my chest and I could barely breathe other than very heavy and deep breaths. I got an asthma test done, chest x-rays, an EKG, blood tests, and even a stress test, but nothing was showing up as a physical issue. It was no new thing to have anxiety a part of my life, but the severity of the life traumas were showing me just how bad a state my anxiety had been. It was clear that the chaos brought out the issue I had neglected dealing with for years."

In August of 2018, I was put on anxiety and depression medication and given a panic attack medication for emergency purposes. Today marks my one week anniversary of my battle against anxiety and depression becoming med-free. Although many may read this and think it is great that I am no longer on medication to cope with my depression and anxiety, it has not been all rainbows and gumdrops. The last week has been none other than a challenge to make this adjustment in my life. After being on the medication for a year, there are natural yet frustrating repercussions of no longer having the aid of medication.

Just like when I injured my groin last August and needed to wear a wrap for quite some time throughout my volleyball and basketball season, just like I needed to go to physical therapy to train my body to use other muscles as my groin healed, and just how I still do exercises to strengthen my groin, medication was a form of treatment that has been useful to my healing from past trauma. Medication helped give me a crutch while I healed areas of my life that were touched by trauma and learn healthy coping skills to truly live in freedom from my past.

Physically Struggling

Sertraline, most commonly known as Zoloft, has various withdrawal and detox symptoms and many of them are real to me as my body adjusts to no longer having medication as an aid. The length of symptoms is dependent upon how long one is on the meds, length of time taken to come off the medication, individual physiology, and dosage.

Some symptoms of Zoloft withdrawal are as follows:

- Memory problems - Mood swings

- Suicidal thoughts - Weight changes

- Fatigue - Insomnia

- Concentration problems - Bouts of crying

- Heat flashes - Feeling faint

- Lightheadedness - Sweats

- Chills

This past week I have felt many of the above symptoms in various degrees as I adjust to a non medicated battle. Many of these symptoms are similar to that of panic attack symptoms which makes it hard to not worry even when I am not feeling anxious necessarily during these symptoms. Although having these symptoms has been rough, it is encouraging that mentally I am thriving.

Spiritually Dependent

Returning to Clarks Summit University in the fall of 2018 was not an easy task for me. Although medicated, I had to face the truth of mistakes I had made in the year previous as well as toxic friendships I had allowed to grab hold of my life, one of them being the dating relationship I took on my first year at CSU. I was adapting back to an environment that, although safe, did not feel as such the first week on campus. I had spent my summer sleeping in fear of the same individual I had lived with my whole life that had inflicted so much trauma into my everyday life first at a young age and the rest of my life through emotional and mental abuse. I had ended every night at home by locking my door and then putting my fan on high inches in front of the door, just in case this individual tried to come in while I was sleeping. I knew the fan would slam on the ground and wake me up had he tried to come in at all. Not one night did he do so; however, coming to campus, it took a few nights to feel safe without locking my dorm room door.

Over the course of the last year, God put various mentors in my life like the head of the Counseling Department here at CSU, the leader of the college group at Heritage Baptist Church, the Dean of Women, and various brothers and sisters in Christ that showed me love, mercy, and grace as I walked through my journey of coping with the anxiety and depression that was caused by past trauma. I was able to learn coping mechanisms that have taught me how to now say "Not Today" when Satan tries to get me to believe lies that worked a year ago. Now, I tell him, "Try again, I dare you!" because I know my God has got my back today, tomorrow, and till the end of time.

August of 2018, God had me in a place that I did not want to be in. God allowed many things to let me down, break me down, and shake up my world. But if this victory over my anxiety and depression is the purpose, if peace and the ability to cope with anxiety and depression in a healthy manner is what he purposed from it all, I have to say all the pain, tears, and confusion I felt August 2018 was all worth it. God knew what he needed to do to make me fully dependent on him for strength. He knew the community I needed around me, as well, for the spiritual growth he had planned for me.

There is hope to move beyond your trauma. I am a year into my journey since coming out July 2018 and I can tell you it has not been easy. I can tell you there have been many times I wanted all the pain to be taken away and there have even been times I blamed myself for all of the pain as if I could have stopped the various traumatic experiences I have had in my lifetime. BUT GOD in his mercy, love, and grace has broken the chains connecting me to my past and has allowed my story to be a beautiful testimony of hope for those that believe they have no voice.