"Its OK to not be OK"

With the sound of an alarm, she wakes up for the day. She rolls around regretting the responsibilities that await her day ahead and debates pressing the snooze as much as she can to avoid the social interactions to come. Her emotions are as few as her interests to leave her bed. However, she drags herself out of her bed and wanders to the bathroom sink. She picks up her toothbrush, layers toothpaste onto the tip, and catches her reflection in the mirror as she begins cleaning her teeth.

In the mirror, she sees her hair doing an array of activity, her eyes are bloodshot and puffy, and her brain begins strategizing how to best hide the signs on her face from a night of weeping. The last thing she wants is for anyone to know that she has weakness or any way of being hurt by someone else. Who would understand? Would anyone have even a glimpse into the deep darkness she battles within herself everyday? Would they not just tell her she is crazy, dramatic, sensitive, or weak? Would they even think about comforting her and walking along side her for the journey? Would they love her enough to be patient in the process?

Thoughts flood her head. “Am I ever going to know what it is like to smile again? Feel loved? Am I just not of enough value to anyone to be treated with kindness? Why doesn’t anyone understand me and how I work? Why do I get so defensive? Why am I so loud? Why is my laugh so embarrassing? Why do I…”—She continues to ask why she does anything that she does whether that is a part of who she is or part of her defense mechanisms to those who do not care enough or know enough to help her how she needs it. She feels hopeless. She feels of no help to anyone around her. She tells herself to be careful what she does or expresses of herself in case it burdens someone. She does not feel confident in many environments being herself and potentially never feels ok being herself.

She throws her hair up to make well of the ugly mess she sees her bed hair as. She plasters makeup on her face until she feels she has covered all blemishes and uniqueness she is uncomfortable to share with the world. Stress overwhelms her as she tries to get everything perfect and minimize any recognition of her insecurities and especially mask the signs of her dread the night before. She needs to be strong. She can not afford any person around seeing her as anything, but all put together. People rely on her. People know her to be laughing and a professional at making other people smile. Little do they know that within there is no happiness beyond the sign of it on her face. All happiness is to her is an expression; but there is no inner joy felt by her with anything. She may let out a chuckle but what joy comes is gone with one breathe.

Now that her face is up to her approval, she walks to her room and tries on her favorite jeans. They are her favorite because they hide her curves, they cover her hips so none of her stomach creeps over the top of her jeans. She looks at herself in her bedroom mirror from the right, the left, and the back. Does is make her look fat? Does it hide her rolls, her dimples in various parts of the legs that used to be muscle? Once the pair of jeans passes the test, she moves on to shirts and picks from one of her may shirts that drape from her chest as to diminish any possibility of her stomach catching her shirt and hugging anything that could be portrayed as chub. She then puts on sneakers, though its in the 80s outside, because she does not like what her toes look like. One last twirl in the mirror to make sure there are no flaws because this is not about her but about making sure that no one knows there is anything she battles inside.

No one understands her and no one ever will so why would she expose any of her weaknesses to people without the kindness in their hearts to show her any love. She is on her own in this journey. That is ok; because, no one cares to get to know the real her anyway. They did not even notice when she turned from her overjoyed peppy self to her non interested in life persona. She struggled for weeks out in the open where everyone could see her battle. No one reached out and no one encouraged her. So, she covered her weaknesses up, she hid all her “flaws”, and became that someone for someone else to rely on. If no one will be there for her, she is not gonna let anyone else feel the way she does. So, she puts on masks to helps others.

Maybe you are sitting here and thinking this girl is dramatic. Or maybe you are thinking she just needs to except who she is because no one needs another person to validate something for confidence to arise. But, if that is what you are thinking, then you are missing the point. You see the girl up above was me. It is not how I feel EVERY day but various aspects above are true of me many days. This represents a wide percentage of men and women struggling with diagnosed depression. We battle it much on our own. Depression has become a taboo topic and an embarrassment to struggle with, but should it be? Should we allow these people to struggle alone? To wallow in the lies that our mind throws at us? To tell us we have no value or have to hide our insecurities and weaknesses? Do you want someone around you that you love to suffer from their mental illness in silence?

You may not be able to tell if someone is depressed, but you can care enough about the people around you. You can serve those around you in love to the best of your ability. Those struggling with depression can be shown you are a good person to fight with along their journey. This comes from how you treat people. If you act kind, accepting, and open then others will naturally open up and trust that you will love them enough to be patient with them.

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.

Hebrews 6:10

In honor of National Mental Health Awareness month, let now be the time you stop letting depression be a problem you judge and scrutinize. Depression is real and it causes real hurt to real people. Depression affects 1 in 12 adults in America. Depression is not as simple as all the time or none of the time. There are days where depression arises for reasons I can not even describe. Depression is not always explainable as to why someone feels that way. But, it can lead to various other mental health problems like anxiety or even the attempt of suicide and self-harm of smaller proportions.

Someone does not have to look depressed to be depressed. Depression is a battle inside that many can hide behind makeup, a smile, a laugh, and they can do it quite well. However, behind the masks is a broken, hurting, and desperate soul crying out for someone to love them enough to be patient with them through the process of battling depression every. single. day. It is not something anyone faces and enjoys talking about. It is a tiring fight I battle daily and some days are easier then others; while others seem unbearable. Depression is a dangerous issue in mental health that is greatly ignored. So #Breakthestigma of depression, speak up about your story, and speak out to all around. You never know what’s going on behind the masks. Let people know it is ok to not be okay; because, there is no health without mental health.